Every once in a while, a client comes to me with a dream.
All of us have dreams; clients usually contact me in the first place because they have dreams that are becoming urgent or in some way demand attention. But sometimes a client with a dream is different. They are different because their spouse, or partner, is not supportive of their dream.
This lack of support can look like a lot of different things. It can take the form of concern about finances: “I just quit my job to go to grad school so now we need your income to live on,” to feeling threatened: “You’d better not become more successful than me” to outright sabotage: “I told the kids you weren’t going to be around as much anymore because your new project is more important.”
Sometimes, the partners opposition isn’t voiced out loud, but is expressed indirectly through passive-aggressive behavior such as losing phone messages or important documents, questioning decisions, and presenting a bad attitude in general.
It’s very tricky territory to navigate when a client wants to problem-solve what to do about their unsupportive partner. Most often, I barely know the client myself at this point, and to insert myself into their primary romantic relationship feels uber-awkward as well as spectacularly unprofessional and unethical. I usually call a time-out and punt to “marriage counseling is above my pay grade” while still trying to have a constructive conversation around my clients’ personal responsibility and choices. Which can be hard, when she doesn’t have any money of her own. Or if he only has free time at night or on the weekends, which is when his wife needs him to watch the kids.
Occasionally, dynamics will show up repeatedly in such a way that it becomes clear that there are other issues in play. Money and power and intimacy are potent- sometimes toxic- elements of any relationship, and no one is immune to their effects. What’s hard for me (and obviously excruciating for the client) is when these unhealthy components bleed into the work that the client and I are trying to do together.
(And when I say “together,” I mean that really loosely, since my clients pretty much generally kick ass all over the place and I just cheer them on while trying try to keep my hair looking presentable. Easier said than done.)
That is the point at which I want to ask: “Are you having the right conversation?” I mean, I’m no psychologist- oh wait! I am!- but we all know that most disagreements, especially in marriage, are not about what they seem to be about on the face. My friend John likes to say; “The issue is never the issue. The issue is always control.”
For example, say you are my client. You are having a conversation with me about how you are going to get a second job and start squirreling away money so you can afford to start this side hustle, but all the time there is this voice in the back of my head that is getting louder and louder with each financial calculation you make.
And the voice is saying: “The problem is not that you don’t have enough money to do what you want to do. The problem is that you and your spouse do not trust each other enough to have a no-holds-barred conversation about priorities. The problem is that you have yet to put everything on the table and hold nothing sacred; not that cable subscription with the channels you love, not the pension fund or the savings account for that trip you want to take for your anniversary. Not the shopping splurges, or the ski trips, or the meals out. Not the gym membership you never use or the boat you use even less than the gym membership.
The problem is that somewhere along the line the two of you lost the mutual purpose of your distribution of resources. Maybe you started drinking more lattes and doing more wine-tasting. Or maybe you started more college funds and IRA’s. Maybe you have to pay for an care of a parent, or child. Maybe you bought – or lost- a house. Possibly. Likely, one or both of you got – or lost- at least one job since you first got together.
Times change. Priorities do as well. So have an honest conversation with your partner about what is most important to you right now, financially and otherwise. Speak your heart, and listen, really listen, to your partner’s. Commit to one another anew that you will steward your resources for the good of the other and the betterment of the world.
(And that you will do whatever it takes to keep Justin Beiber at the top of the charts. Oh, wait, that was me.)
Please, for the love, take the time and energy you are pouring into plotting this whole strategy with me, and invest it into your relationship with your significant other. Do not tell yourself –or me– that you deserve to do something for yourself and that you refuse to feel guilty for wanting more. No one is saying you don’t deserve it and no one wants you to feel guilty either. You are not auditioning to be a makeover guest on Oprah here. You are trying to become more fully yourself, and your partner has committed to be all about that with you. So don’t fire them without even giving them an interview.
I do want you to feel connected, trusted, supported, and fully known, and that won’t happen if we keep our plans for your future a secret. Because these kinds of secrets end badly for everyone. Even James Bond.
So stop talking to me, and start talking to the one who was, once, your biggest fan, and most likely still is.
And when you’re done talking, call me. And we’ll do this.”
Who do need to have a right conversation with?
Where have you been avoiding the issue, or thinking the issue is something other than what it really is?
What would the issue be, if you knew what it was?
Let’s talk about that.
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