Jealousy, I’ve often heard, is a normal human emotion. Jealousy is also a map. Each of our jealousy maps differs. I, for example, have never been kept up at night with resentment at the success of female gymnasts in the Olympics. You’re tiny, you can bend, it’s impressive. I get that. But I have been known to sometimes care a little too much about how many (more) Facebook friends certain acquaintances from college have.
Until I thought about that some more, and realized that really I am just afraid to friend people I am not positive will accept my request. (BTW, if you’re reading this and we’re not yet friends on Facebook, please stop. right. now. and go friend me, then come back and finish reading this post. Go ahead. I’ll wait.)
My jealousy can sometimes be just a mask for my fear of doing something I really want to do (reach out and make a friend) but don’t feel brave enough to do anything about myself.
Jealousy is almost always a mask for fear: fear that we won’t be able to get what we want; frustration that someone else seems to be getting what is rightfully ours even if we are too frightened to reach for it. At its root, jealousy is a stingy emotion. It’s about the idea that there is a limited amount of whatever we want (attention, money, time), so if one person gets more, another unavoidably gets less. This does not allow for the straight up undeniable abundance of the universe. Jealousy enforces what Tim Sanders calls “The Law of Scarcity.”
Jealousy produces tunnel vision. It narrows our ability to see things in perspective. It strips us of our ability to see other options. I call Jealousy’s effect the “LIE of Scarcity” because it tells us that we have no other choice but to be jealous. That is not true. We always have a choice. But perversely, jealousy strips us of our will to act when action is precisely what will break us out of the chains we have put on ourselves.
THE JEALOUSY MAP, AN EXERCISE
Create three columns on a piece of paper. In the first column, name those you are jealous of. Next to each name, write why. Be as specific and accurate as you can. In the third column, list one action you can take to take responsibility for yourself and to give yourself what you think this person is responsible for withholding from you. This choice has the power to serve as an antidote for the poison of jealousy. It can counteract the venom of envious thoughts and bring healing.
For example:
WHO WHY ACTION ANTIDOTE
My friend Lori She is a talented writer Join a writers group
My colleague Ben He is happy with his life Practice contentment
Bono He has a following Start leading
Even the biggest changes begin with small ones. Green may be the color of jealousy, but it is also the color of hope. When you learn to use the energy that you spend being jealous on improving your own lawn, the jealousy you’ve outgrown will fertilize your grass, making it greener on your side.
Adapted from Week 7 of The Artists’ Way, by Julia Cameron
*Blog title today courtesy of Paris Hilton
Such a strong post, Michele! I will confess, I too have looked at other people on Facebook and thought, “Now, how in the world could they really have 800 friends!?” It happened like, 15 minutes ago. I’m so lame.
I’m going to try your exercise. Thanks for the push in the right direction.
MOXY! Love your website – and your blog. Am a huge fan of Dane Sanders who tweeted or posted something on facebook about you. TOTALLY love what you do. I will definitely be checking back. Happy Tuesday to you. I am now going to get a new green shirt and think of it as hope. I love green. Am also going to try your exercise. 🙂
Thank you for sharing this. You know it’s good when it hits a little close to home and skirt around the thought, “Shoot, I TOTALLY do that.”
So again, thanks! You’re honesty, vulnerability, and writing ability are gifts to many.