Friendship at the OK Corral

Friendship is a much-underestimated aspect of self-leadership. Here’s what author Eugene Peterson says about it:

“Each of us has contact with hundreds of people who never look beyond our surface appearance. We have dealings with hundreds of people who the moment they set eyes on us begin calculating what use we can be to them, what they can get out of us. We meet hundreds of people who take one look at us, make a snap judgment, and then slot us into a category so that they won’t have to deal with us as persons. They treat us as something less than we are; and if we’re in common association with them, we become less.

And then someone enters our life who isn’t looking for someone to use, is leisurely enough to find out what’s really going on in us, is secure enough not to exploit our weaknesses or attack our strengths, recognizes our inner life and understands the difficulty of living out our inner convictions, confirms what is deepest within us. A friend.

Lacking confirmation by the word of a friend, our most promising beginnings fizzle. Lacking confirmation in the presence of a friend, our bravest ventures unravel. It’s not unusual for any of us to begin something wonderful, and it’s not unusual for any of us to do things that are quite good. But it is unusual to continue and to persevere. The difficulties aren’t for the most part external but internal—finding the energy and vision to keep the effort going.”

My experience of deep connection with other people at difficult times in my life is directly related to my ability to “keep the effort going.” And yet, when I think about how essential friendship is to my own self-leadership, I am surprised at how little intention I put into my friendships on a daily basis. Relationships are hard work. Building strong friendships involves blood, sweat and tears. It is a process that requires energy, risk, and probably hurt. It is complicated and messy. My closest friends are the people who have walked with me through the good times and the bad times.  And I need those kinds of friends, to help me persevere and to give me energy and vision when I lose it. It may sound stoic and noble to say that one can be happy without friends, but that’s not actually true. We need each other.

I have gone through periods of feeling disconnected, frustrated, and alone. At those times I also felt frightened, because I couldn’t tell if my lack of deep relationships was more like a momentary season or a contagious disease that had the power to inoculate me against further companionship. What if I never again made close friends like I had in college? Would I look back for the rest of my life at the year I turned 30 and say that was the last time I had such a close connection with another person? Was there something about me that used to cause people to pursue friendship with me but that had now suddenly passed its expiration date and left me none the wiser?

There’s a quote from the movie “Tombstone” that I think of often. It’s when Doc Holliday, played by Val Kilmer, shows up to support his friend Wyatt Earp (played by Kurt Russell) at the Gunfight at the OK Corral. Holliday is close to death from tuberculosis at this point, and it’s almost comical that he thinks he can do anything effective in such a weakened state, but he’s there. At one point, Turkey Creek Jack Johnson asks Holliday: “Why you doin’ this, Doc?” Doc responds: “Because Wyatt Earp is my friend.” Johnson scoffs at this and says: “Friend? Hell, I got lots of friends.” To which Holliday responds: “Well, …I don’t.”

The fact that I resonate with Doc Holliday in this scene in the movie makes me sad. One the one hand, I want to have lots of friends; to feel so wealthy with them that I could hypothetically spare a few and barely notice. On the other hand, what kind of a friend would I be if I didn’t notice someone I knew and cared about was missing from my life?

Recent events have reminded me what a rare and precious treasure it is to have close friends. I am in a season that makes it challenging to stay connected many of them, but I know that each choice I make to invest in those relationships comes back multiplied. I am feeling a renewed conviction that I need to pay more attention to this area of my life. And so, I am covenanting today to continue to open my life in a way that allows others to know me deeply. I commit that I will allow people to see my truest joys, needs, struggles, and victories. I am also going to encourage reciprocity (one of my favorite words) and invite them to open their hearts and lives to me on this same level.

Maybe re-committing to this essential element of my life will change my life. Maybe it won’t. But if you’re interested in joining me on this adventure, here’s a few places to start.

• Think about a time in your life when you experienced real community and connectedness with other people. How can you reach out for similar connections in your current situation?
• Remember a person or people in your life who have poured out consistent and deep levels of love on you, and how they have expressed this love. Thank them. Then, ask them how they do it.
• Picture some of the people or relationships that you are investing yourself in at this time in your life. Where can you take things to the next level?

I want more than anything to have the kinds of friends that Eugene Peterson describes. And I continue to learn that the only way to have that is to apply myself towards becoming that kind of friend. I need to lead myself into the lives of others and discover where I can share, grow, and be changed by their influence. May what is deepest in each of us be confirmed by such friends.