Hungry To Be Known

Lately I have been shoving food into my mouth like it’s my job.

Which it might be if I was pregnant or underweight, but as I am neither of those things we can conclude that I am experiencing overwhelming anxiety about things which I do not perceive myself able to control, or at times to even name.

These days, I’d rather eat an entire cake than be alone with my own mind.

Which sounds like a spectacular idea until all the cake is gone and the compulsive thoughts are not.

There are several reasons for my current angst. Some I confided to a few pals who promptly promised to pray for me. Every day. For 2 months.

This immediately increased my internal unease.

If you are reading this, please don’t pray for me. It will somehow make me binge.

Yesterday, while I was trying not to eat everything in America, my friend and I were talking about listening.

I was telling her that I have been trying to listen to God more lately, in a different way, and the more I try to listen, the more scared I become of what I will hear – or not hear.

I think that’s also why I get stressed about the friends who are praying for me – I really don’t think I’m scared that their prayers will be answered, in some way. I’m frightened that they won’t be answered, not in a way that we can easily or quickly understand.

What if people pray for me and nothing changes? 

Even typing that sentence, I know that won’t happen. Things always change- even or especially when we don’t want them to. And, prayer is awesome.

Also, something changing is not the point.

What is the point?

I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure the point is not to speed-eat my weight in Oreos. Or cabbage. Or walnuts, or eggs, or any other Paleo foods.

Today I am trying to do what I know works. Feel my feelings. Think my thoughts. Be still. Listen.

All these things I’ve known since I was 19 and first started working in recovery, skills I’ve shared with hundreds of others, yet always always always need to be reminded of myself. One day at a time.

Tonight I had a very special dinner with a dear friend, and we talked about our shame and our yearning for connection. And about halfway through the dinner, I realized that my meal, which I had feared I would inhale in less than 20 seconds as I had consumed everything else over the past few days, was sitting half-eaten. I had totally forgotten about it because I was feeling so heard and valued in the conversation. And the dessert, which I had ordered pre-emptively, because I was scared that they would run out of them (for realsises), remained untouched.

In that restaurant, I realized this is what I am truly hungry for – what most people I know yearn for, crave, even covet. True connection and showing up and telling the truth. And when we find it, we find the deepest satisfaction and joy, because it points us to our true home in God.

Another source of satisfaction and joy? Bringing your dessert home and finishing it in front of Netflix episodes of 30 Rock. Winner.

What are you truly hungry for?

Are You Leading The Life You Want?