#2 Broken People Break Promises.
For some reason, practically every day this past week has brought news of yet another instance of adultery among people I barely know or don’t know at all but who are friends of friends. I’m sure the odds are that people closer to me are having affairs as well, but I didn’t have much time to think about that this week, what with the need to help the many other pals who were dealing with the fallout.
Many people who are much smarter than I am have written and spoken much more profoundly than I ever could about the challenges of marriage and temptation. Having celebrated 15 years of marriage last January, I can say that marriage is pretty much the hardest thing I’ve ever tried to do well, second only to parenting. Both are exercises in delayed gratification, require gargantuan amounts of self-sacrifice, and bring about levels of exhaustion that often remind me of the nine circles of hell in Dante’s Inferno.
Having said that, several of the situations that have come to my attention seem to have come about through a series of decisions or choices that were, for lack of a better word, idiotic. And I don’t just say that because we now have the benefit of hindsight. I mean, really.
It’s like people opened up their heads, took out their brains and left them in the parking lot, and then commenced walking around doing stuff. Truly unbelievable.
Without going into detail, some of these situations involved using children and other friend as foils (Wiki: A foil is a person who contrasts with another character in order to highlight various features of the main character’s personality) to help accomplish the goals of those pursuing the immoral behavior. This is unconscionable and results in even more pain and drama when the other friends (or children) find out that they were being used as unwitting partners in a truly diabolical scheme.
So many elements blow the mind; the levels of deception, the compromises, the excuses and rationalizations.
But what really surprises me is that I continue to be surprised.
We are, all of us, losers. There is very little in us originally that speaks of something higher or better than base pursuits or gratifications.
Rather than being surprised when our true nature and limitations are revealed, I sometimes wonder if it might make more sense to lower my expectations already.
The wedding might be beautiful, the ceremony inspiring. The bride and groom may have fantastic jobs and cars that are fully paid for. They may have oodles of advantages that I could only dream about; and still, they are imperfect.
Even with the best of intentions, keeping a commitment as difficult as marriage is near impossible at times. Without intention, that commitment starts to resemble a wish more and more. Until ultimately, we think of a solid marriage as more myth than reality, and the battle is lost.
If it’s not adultery, it’s something else. Money, food, sex, addiction, family issues, job performance. No one is perfect.
We are all fractured, and in need of grace.
We break promises because we are broken.
We need help living into our commitments.
Author Dallas Willard talks about “obeying ourselves into belief”, which is basically the idea that we do what we know we should do whether or not we feel like it. “You act on the knowledge you have”, he says. While I am not a fan of “gutting out” situations where our own safety or that of those we love is at risk, I appreciate the concept of acting out of what I know to be true and having the rest of my (heart, mind, will) follow.
This means we will entertain less justifications for questionable choices. Be less tolerant of insincere complaints. Show less sympathy for petty arguments. And, God willing, be found more faithful in the end.
I’m done pointing fingers and deconstructing rationalizations. I’m all in to coming alongside and letting people know they are not alone. No one is above struggle. Let’s see if we can’t help make each other whole.