I’ve been having a hard time writing today’s post. Which is perfect, since I’m talking about resistance. This is a HUGE deal in my work with clients; easily 2/3 of what I talk about in a given session is identifying areas of resistance in lives and work.
So, I thought I’d break it up into 2 posts; today we’ll talk about internal resistance, and next week we’ll discuss external resistance.
Internal resistance is often subconscious. For example, a woman who has a huge realization about being miserable in her marriage begins therapy, wanting to figure out how to change patterns and have a healthier relationship. After a few months, she suddenly stops going because life gets “too busy” or therapy gets “too expensive”. Most likely, she is resistant; deep down, she doesn’t want to face her marital issues in the first place. Once therapy starts working—starts showing her what needs to change and introducing her to tools that she can use to help change herself- she freaks out.
Our subconscious mind wants to keep us safe and is very resistant to change. So, even if the possibility of change consciously feels exciting and new, the subconscious will probably do its utmost to keep us firmly rooted in where we are now, because now is safe and familiar.
There is a pay-off for the subconscious to hold on to the familiar. This is known as Secondary Benefit Syndrome. In other words, there is some benefit to staying where we are now, even if we (say that we) consciously desire to move forward.
Here’s how I frame it to my clients: “On some level,- probably not one you are very aware of, something about what you are doing is working for you. I believe that you hate this pattern/relationshop/addiction, and I also believe that it serves an important function in your life. Because if it wasn’t working for you, you wouldn’t be doing it. We need to begin with figuring out what this addiction/habit/approach/pattern is doing for you.”
When we make an irrevocable decision to focus on what we do want, powerful fears can arise about making the necessary changes. For example:
“If I go to therapy about this relationship, I’ll have to take responsibility for how passive-aggressive I can be.”
“If I have money, I’ll have to be responsible”
“If I am healthy and vibrant again, I’ll be expected to return to work and/or look after the family”
“If I stop eating these cookies every evening, I’ll have to face what’s missing in my life”.
The resistance is afraid.
You know the resistance is there. You’ve felt it. Perhaps you didn’t have a name for it, or recognize all the symptoms, but you know that it is a part of you, as it is for everyone.
Here are some classic quotes from the resistance:
I don’t know what to do
I don’t know how to do it
I don’t have the background/credibility/experience to do it
My boss won’t let me do it
Seth says:
When you feel the resistance, the stall, the fear, and the pull, you know you’re on to something. Whichever way the wind of resistance is coming, that’s the way to head—directly into the resistance. And the closer you get to whatever you can do next, the stronger the wind will blow and the harder the resistance will fight to stop you.
In this way, the resistance will help you find the thing you most need to do because it is the thing the resistance most wants to stop.
Isn’t it obvious—the resistance is terrified. The closer you come to unleashing the thing it fears, the harder it will fight.
Eating ice cream is easy. Making something that matters is hard. Feeling sorry for yourself is easy. Taking a risk is hard. Blaming yourself is easy. Choosing to hope is hard. Loathing yourself is easy. Asking for help is hard.
Becoming aware of resistance means thinking about what makes us anxious before we act to discharge that anxiety through automatic behaviors. When we don’t get invited to the “in” party, when our spouse forgets our anniversary, when a friend makes an innocent comment about our wrinkles or panty lines, all of these can call up the old stories about how inadequate or forgotten we are. What that happens, we respond without thinking, and we set up the oh-so-familiar dynamics. Suddenly, you’ll find yourself repeating unwanted behaviors, having disproportionate reactions to things, or experiencing whatever your own particular form of self-sabotage looks like.
The best time to stop the resistance spiral is the very first moment. Recognize it, but don’t sacrifice your judgement. No matter what. In that awkward moment in the conversation, when you want to jump in and say something to break the silence, don’t. Wait out the discomfort. When you want with all your heart to agree, or apologize, or to blame, or to lash out, or to accept responsibility for something that actually had nothing to do with you, stop. Just stop. Do. Not. throw yourself under the bus. Stay right where you are.
Sit in that resistance until you think your fingers have never been prunier. Then sit some more.
You can’t manufacture a process. What you can try is sitting quietly and committing to making different choices when you find yourself in a familiar situation. Instead of turning on the TV or unrwapping a Fudgesicle or jumping on Facebook, you’re going to have to stop and think about what’s really bothering you, and try to become aware of your actions and automatic reactions.
For example, I had a client who couldn’t keep her mouth shut in certain meetings to save her life. She was literally talking herself out of a job.
I told her she could wire her jaw shut, OR start noticing (and recording) whenever she felt like talking or wanted to talk in these meetings.
That’s all she had to do, just look for patterns in this one area of her life. Just notice.
She took 17 pages of notes in a 30-minute meeting.
She realized how defensive and argumentative she felt in those meetings. How compulsive she is about speaking her mind. How irrationally she reacts when she feels she is being patronized. She learned that she feels unsafe with certain people.
It took us a long time to unpack all that, and even longer for her to change some of those hard-learned behaviors. But lead herself to greater discernment and self-control she did.
When we become aware—just aware, at first—of how our behaviors reveal our resistance, we take the first steps in leading our own lives.
Exposing these habits to the light makes them visible, and able to be dealt with. Until we do that, they remain hidden away in our subconscious — and while they are there we can’t decide to stop using them.
Martha says: Every one of us has a central conflict that echoes down the halls of other relationships and other situations. Our job starts with making a commitment to NOTICE. To look for and be alert to the patterns in our lives where those conflicts manifest themselves in resistance.
I cannot overstate how powerful and tender this place is. This paying attention, this taking note. It is holy ground. I know many more people who are unwilling to do this than people who do. This is straight up terrifying.
But we can do it. In fact, we must do it.