I’ve been thinking about addiction. Don’t freak out. It’s probably just a combination of things; being around more clinicians, a few random client conversations, people talking about getting into shape so they can wear their bathing suits without shame this summer. All these things remind me of how our issues can lead us or sabotage us. Or both, at the same time.
I just read a book called “I’m With Fatty”, by Edward Ugel, chronicling his lifetime battle with an addiction to food. Parts of the book reminded me vividly of how I felt almost four years ago, when I fought my way out of a significant sugar addiction. Yes, sugar. It was much more grim and terrifying than you would think- definitely more than I had thought it would be. Those who were there can testify to how ugly it was.
I still remember the day my mom said to me, in her raised-eyebrow voice (the one that works even over the phone because you know her eyebrows are raised wherever she is); “You have a. lot. of sugar in your diet.” I responded with what I learned in therapy about how since we had no sugar allowed in the house when I was growing up, I now overcompensated as an adult and always made sure that sugar was on hand at a moments’ notice if needed. As a mom, I make sure my kids don’t eat too much sugar but that what they do eat is “appropriate.” I try to protect my kids from the power of sugar, and encourage them to view sweets as something to be enjoyed but not craved or denied.
Four years ago, I truly believed that I ate sugar in moderation. It wasn’t until I gave up sugar for 6 weeks that I realized the hold that it had on me, and on my lifestyle. I had trouble functioning without it. If affected every part of my waking life, and probably some of my sleep as well. One day, a few days in to my “no-sugar” fast, I came home loaded down with sugar-free cookies, ice cream, and candy. It was like a Splenda convention in my kitchen. My husband took one look at my shelf of substitution and suggested; “It might be a good idea for you to look at your need to substitute other (sweet) things in your diet for what is real.” Wise guy.
The good news is that the cold-turkey experience of freeing myself from sugar resulted in a much healthier life and attitude, not to mention a significant leveling off of blood sugar. Today, I can’t believe how much sugar I consumed just a few years ago. I also eat much less “fake” sugar. That’s me, keeping it real.
Two years ago, I realized that I had another addiction. One I’m still trying to kick. One I doubt I will ever fully recover from; if total recovery is even possible.
This addiction is different. This addiction started before I had ever been denied sugar; in fact I don’t ever remember this addiction NOT being in my life. Since I was a child it has soothed me like the champion of all coping mechanisms. It got me through some terrible teen years when I can still remember the highs lasting long and deep, and the sweet satisfaction of a good “hit”. As an adult, it has been the drug that I have turned to like a best friend that never leaves, that can become whoever I want it to become at any time.
I have all the control in the relationship—or at least I thought I did. Whenever I was hurting or scared, experienced rejection, had to make a tough decision, didn’t get something I wanted, I felt insecure or lonely or needy; when I was in so much pain I could hardly look anyone in the eye, including myself; this was where I turned for solace first.
It never occurred to me that I was addicted to this, because this addiction is to something good and helpful and positive. Often recommended. (No, it’s not prescription drugs. Or exercise. Or prayer.) It wasn’t until I was challenged to stop doing it completely for seven days that my utter inability to control myself just stood up and slapped me in the face. On both cheeks.
The point is not what I have been addicted to. I’ll tell you what it is next time. I know, I’m awful. But this is all part of my plot to get you addicted coming back repeatedly.
The point is, I’m becoming convinced that we all have things in our life that are so essential, we believe, as to be non-negotiable. Cable television. My cell phone. Your significant other. Being angry. Convenience. Status. Privilege. Having children. Not having children. Being right. That job. That relationship. Hoping. Money. Health. A happy family. Moving on. Staying stuck. Working hard. Being married. Being thin. Being unhappy. Freedom.
What in your life is so important that you hate the thought of giving it up?
And what does that have to do with your self-leadership?
Is this thing, this whatever-it-is that you can’t or won’t get rid of, leading you?
If so, where?
*Part of the Chorus from “Addicted” by Kelly Clarkson