I have been so excited for this guest post. My beloved former student, Eric, is a thinker, an artist, and a dreamer. We’ve shared thousands of coffees while debating pretty much anything he felt like debating. His heart is a home for many and his personality is irreplaceable. I hope you enjoy his thoughts below as much as I do.
Choose what you have chosen is what my old mentor used to tell me. If things went awry, if things took me to the bottom of the ocean, or if things went well, I still needed to own that choice and make the best of it. “If you have enough money for one ice cream, and you are indecisive between a chocolate and vanilla,” he would say, “and you decide on the chocolate…as you walk away you think ‘Shoot, I should have picked the vanilla’ Eric, you can’t go buy another one…so eat the chocolate ice cream and make the best of it. Choose what you have chosen.”
Part of me hated him for this, and I told him that, because I now had the responsibility for my actions, for my reactions, and even in the worst decisions I needed to CONTINUE choosing my attitude.
Last year I decided to apply for a volunteer fellowship through a U.S. microfinance organization. I applied because it was extremely competitive and, in all honesty, I felt I had little chance of being accepted. It was my dream to be a Fellow in hopes the exposure to microfinance would spur my future academic study and research. Six months after I applied I was accepted, and eight months after that (I deferred my placement) I found out my placement: Sierra Leone.
Understanding microfinance on the ground level is hugely important to me, and the Fellowship provides exactly that. By the way, at the time I did not even know where Sierra Leone was located.
Within the eight months between my acceptance and my leaving I worked odd jobs and fretted terribly much about the Fellowship. You see, the average age of accepted applicants is 31 years, and the program notes an acceptance rate of 19 percent. I had a lot to worry about, I was NOT 31 years old, I had just finished college, I never worked a professional job, and I had never been to Africa.
There were a hundred more reasons why I was not the right person for the job, how I slipped through the cracks at Kiva, and bah! what value could I add to anyone or a new office? I spent a few weeks at home before taking off and I voiced these concerns to my dad. With the utmost sincerity and care he said, “Eric, you are equipped for this.” I was speechless and did not quite believe him, everything in my head told me I was ill equipped and would probably fail. How could I be equipped?
The moment I applied for my Fellowship I had made a choice.
The moment I stepped off the airplane the reality of that choice was inescapable.
Thus, I had to make another choice: how I would live in light of my first choice?
Trust me, there have been a few times since moving from Santa Barbara to Sierra Leone where I thought, “life could be easier than this.” But there is always something easier, always something harder, and fortunately what is in front of me is exactly what I can handle.
Being in the presence of extreme poverty has shattered my heart and helpless clouds of questions whirl around my head. So many times I wanted the world to be kept at bay from me, but here I was, I needed to choose to know my reality. It was difficult, but from square one to my present I continually had to take responsibility for both my actions and the decisions that influenced them.
It was so easy to think of what my environment was “doing” to my heart, mind, and sweaty body, but, again, I chose to be here. What I have begun to shape, most importantly, is how I react. Ah! I hate when the responsibility is put back onto me! Really though, I could try to avoid the poverty, I could avoid the chaos of taxis and the market, and say, “just being here is all I can handle.” But I am shocked and encouraged by what I truly can handle.
I have also realized the externalities of one choice are invariably part of the whole decision. Not only did I need to accept this, I needed to make the best of it all. I had the power to throw up my hands in defeat and complain about all the differences of being here – But I also had the power to own my decision, live within my reality, and better others and myself through my choice.
Beyond simply living here I have been doing my Fellowship. In all honesty I am way over my head, but if I lost confidence for a second I would drown. No matter how much I doubted if I was equipped or not, it does not matter now because I am here. Before I arrived worrying was my sad comfort, but while here I either do my work or I don’t. I live it or I don’t live it. I must trust that I am equipped with all the faculties to carry out my job, I must trust I am equipped to have meetings with bosses, and I must trust I am equipped to live in Sierra Leone on my own.
I have found that I have a briefcase of professional tools to equip me, and also a briefcase of personal tools that equip me.
The professional skills are shiny, nice, and laudable at times.
But my other briefcase holds personal confidence, acknowledgment of my value, and trust in my ability; all of which complete the nature of my being equipped.
So, what is your Sierra Leone? What choice are you re-choosing every day? What makes you wonder if you are equipped? Ultimately only you can make your choices and only you can believe in your abilities.
There you have it. I’m no fatalist. Be a leader, be responsible for your choices, and know you are equipped.
Choose What You Have Chosen.
Eric Rindal lived in Conway, Washington until he attended Westmont College in Santa Barbara and graduated with a Business and Spanish degree. While in college, Eric studied in Quito, Ecuador and also taught business classes at a technical high school in the Amazon jungle region of Ecuador. His interest in the combination of cultures and business led him to pursue learning more about microfinance as a career. He is currently volunteering with Kiva.org as a KIva Fellow in Sierra Leone. His website is www.ericfellow.com.