I once heard a speaker say that every relationship has a hero. It’s not always the same person, but at any given moment chances are one of the people in the relationship is in that role. My husband is absolutely my hero, and since today is his birthday I thought I’d tell you a little about why.
Several years ago, I was co-facilitating a leadership training when my colleague asked the room if anyone could think of a time in their life when their skill set (what they could do) matched up with their principles (what they valued). As the room fell silent, a perfect instance came to my mind. I gulped and said: “Well, actually……I have one.”
My example was technically about my husband, who at the time was a high school wrestling coach and English teacher. He had been coaching for a few years and had a reputation of being hard on the kids but fair; the kind of coach who expects a lot and who gives a lot in return. He loved coaching and spent hours helping kids perfect their moves and technique.
On the night of the biggest match of the year with my husbands team against their cross-town rival, I arrived late. I don’t remember why. I do remember walking up the pathway to the gym, hearing the shouts and yells of parents and fans from inside, and thinking “Man, there are a lot of people here tonight.” I walked into the gym and the match had already started. I looked, but couldn’t find Chris (my husband) at first. Instead of Chris being at his usual spot on the side of the mat, coaching the wrestler, my husbands best friend and assistant coach, Matt, was there. I started to make my way to a seat in the stands, all the while scanning with my eyes as I was walking to see where Chris had gone. Finally I sat down and looked out at the mat—and there he was, refereeing the match.
This was astonishing to me.
How could the coach – of one team- in a huge match of cross-town rival high schools- be allowed to be the referee?
The short answer: Because his skill set matched his principles.
Apparently, they had waited an extra 10-15 minutes for the referee to come to the match, but he didn’t show. The coaches started talking about what they would do if the ref was later than half an hour. They knew they couldn’t wait longer than that to start the match, by league rules, so they needed to find another qualified ref. Someone who knew the rules inside and out, who could be trusted to be fair, and who would do a good job.
Enter Chris Mollkoy.
The coaches unanimously agreed that Chris was a fiercely committed, excellent and knowledgeable coach of his own team (Skill Set), while also possessing unimpeachable integrity and ethics (Principles). To a man, they decided that he was the one they would all trust to judge the competition that evening. He was given the jersey, told to suit up and that he would be allowed to use his own whistle.
My husband was known for his integrity. He had been elected to be the Teacher’s Union representative to the school board without even running or asking to be nominated, because his fellow teachers knew that he could not lie to them.
Chris is one of those people with low interpersonal intuition; what you see is what you get, and he doesn’t have much of a filter when it comes to saying what he thinks. He’s terrible at changing his behavior to suit a situation, which is awful at family Christmas parties (“You suck at karaoke!” “That color looks awful on you!”) but awesome for people who need to know they are being told the truth (“This is what will happen if you choose to go on strike”).
Chris’ fellow teachers were convinced that it would be physically impossible for Chris to stand up and deceive them into accepting terms or contracts that would actually work against them, so they appointed him to speak on their behalf on a regular basis.
And what do you know, it worked like a charm. Someone with zero political savvy had school board members eating out of his hand. Here was someone who didn’t play games, wasn’t conniving, and simply did what he said he was going to do.
As I watched my husband referee the biggest wrestling match of the season, my heart swelled with pride. Here was a man who didn’t seek the spotlight, who was uncomfortable with effusive praise, who really just wanted to do the right thing by his students and his sport. Right place, right time, right person.
Right skills, right principles.
Right leadership.
Happy Birthday, sweetie. You are my hero!