Today is Part 2 of a two-week series on Resistance. Last week was on Internal Resistance; this week is External Resistance.
A few of us may get lucky, and find our loved ones and friends 100% supportive from the first moment we set out to lead our own lives. More likely, though, you’ll encounter some form of resistance from those very individuals. Dealing with external resistance means facing the more relational kinds of obstacles that may tend to jump out at you when you begin leading your own life.
It’s helpful to know a little bit in advance about why others may resist you leading your own life. Sometimes you may even be able to identify exactly what type of external resistance you are experiencing. Some people are merely confused. Others are needy. Others are frightened because as you change, they must either change with you or adapt to the new differences in their relationship with you. And then there are the gaslighters, a.k. a. total egomaniacal narcissists.
What happens when we deal with all the internal stuff and then we go out to lead our life around other people?
LEAD, DON’T FIGHT
You are responsible for leading your life. If you don’t accept that responsibility, whether it’s because others try to stop you or because you are not aware that it is your responsibility in the first place, the odds of you becoming who you want to be are much lower. The actions of others are not your fault, but acting as a leader (of yourself), even in situations where you are being treated outrageously, is always the best and strongest and most powerful choice you can make for your future.
This doesn’t mean that you have to dominate other people. Quite the opposite! To be an effective leader means being unafraid, which means you have no need to use your power in an aggressive or manipulative way. You don’t need to exert your influence over situations in an arbitrary fashion, pushing your agenda out of insecurity or a need to be in control.
You are like the oceans’ tide; flexible, transparent, open, yielding—and with unstoppable force.
The more in touch you are with this concept, the more you’ll understand that leadership, not battle, is the way to handle attack.
Martha says:
The general rule to remember is that when we’re scared, we’re scary, and when we’re scary, we’re usually scared.
If someone seems strangely opposed to your actions, even though you may be purely motivated by good intentions, and are doing nothing that could possibly injure them personally, rest assured that person is feeling afraid.
This does not excuse violent or malicious behavior, it simply explains it.
Almost all of my clients have experienced some form of anxiety from their loved ones when they start leading their own life. For example, Naomi’s parents, who worked in the medical care profession, worried that Naomi would end up on the streets when she dropped out of pharmacy school in the first semester. She went in a totally different direction, and has never been happier.
When we respond to loved ones’ fears with fears of our own, we create a vicious cycle. Your change scares them, they act scary, you respond by being scared and therefore acting scary, which scares them even more, which makes them even scarier, etc. etc. People begin subtly projecting anger, withdrawing their approval in cunning ways, hoping either consciously or unconsciously to get their loved ones to reverse the changes being made.
The way to handle fear-based opposition is to be the person who refuses to act on someone else’s fear.
Suppose you become happier and less needy as you begin leading your life. If your loved ones believe that your neediness is necessary to sustain your relationship with them, they might find this very threatening. You might hear comments like “I don’t know what’s gone into you lately” or “I don’t think this stuff you’re doing is very healthy, it sounds very selfish.” Your might be tempted to interpret this as an attack on your new direction and begin to feel scared of having your independence taken away.
This is the point at which you lead the relationship by sustaining calm, fearless affection. If you stay in that zone, you’ll be able to see your loved one as simply afraid, not dangerous. From that place, you won’t fight back with: “What are you saying? You don’t support me? What’s your problem?” but simply re-establish calm: “I know I’m acting different, but I feel really good about it. And I love you more than ever”. It’s amazing how often all the other person wants is some reassurance.
A silly example, but it makes the point: I’ll never forget the day I told my overly considerate colleague that I had decided to change my Starbucks order, effective immediately. He became anxious right away, and started to worry about when, not if, he would mess it up. I took a deep breath, used my calm voice, and said: “I know. Change is hard”. And he visibly relaxed. Right before my eyes.
The more you lead from this place, the less vulnerable you’ll be to external resistance and the easier it will be for you to lead your life.
You must own and remember one critical truth: no matter what your social context, no matter how difficult your choice, no matter what sort of opposition you encounter, or what any other people do or say, you must approach each situation from the perspective of self- leadership.