BIG NEWS! Also, cupcakes.

This first post is from Lesley. If tweeting was an Olympic sport, she could win a gold medal. And beware: you do not want to go up against her in any kind of cooking competition scenario. Just take my word for it.

Dear Carolyn: I think your advice stinks.

Recently I was wasting time on Facebook, and happened to see a link from a girl who was in my high school youth group. She’s one of many Facebook friends who aren’t actually friends in real life—don’t we all have those?

She linked to this advice column from the Washington Post. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/05/22/AR2007052201554.html

I’d recommend reading the entire column, but if you don’t have time, here’s the gist:

A woman writes in and basically says, “I don’t have kids, but my friend does. I work all day, sometimes into the late evening, but I still have time to get everything done. My friend just goes to play groups and the park but she doesn’t have time to return my calls or email. What’s she doing all day? Why doesn’t she have time for me?”

The column writer, Carolyn, responds by listing all the tough things moms face on a day-to-day basis. She then tells the childless woman, “Either make a sincere effort to understand, or keep your snit to yourself.”

After my pseudo friend posted this article, six moms left comments about how much they agreed. One woman said, “Going to work at an office outside of your home is so much easier. Life is busy with kids no matter how you slice it…I am trying to figure out how my childless friends do not have time.”

I went through a range of emotions as I read the column and the Facebook comments. You see, I don’t have children yet. Because of that, it can be difficult for me to relate to stay-at-home moms.

At first, I wanted to write my own response to all these whining women. I pictured describing my own day…how I often feel anxious because it’s been three weeks since I dropped off the dry cleaning and I don’t know when I can pick it up because the store is closed by the time I get off work. Or, how days can go by when we throw a pizza in the oven at 8:00pm and then fall into bed exhausted. Or, how I feel guilty for not calling my own mother back because by the time my work events end, it’s 10:00pm.

I wanted to put these stay-at-home mommies in their place, to win the competition over who has it tougher.

But I couldn’t. I couldn’t respond because most likely, these moms probably are busier and more sleep deprived than I am. Worse, by responding I would be partaking in a comparison game that women have been playing for far too long.

And in the comparison game, there’s never a winner.

Instead I realized it was the writer who I really wanted to address. Over the last few weeks, I’ve wrestled with what I might say to her. Here, in letter form, is what I’ve finally concluded:

“Dear Carolyn,

I’m a young woman who hasn’t figured out this game of life quite yet. I don’t know if I ever will.

It doesn’t really matter if I’m single, married, childless, pregnant, or a mom. All that matters is that I’m a woman—and because of that I’ve got plenty of responsibilities.

In your recent column, you told childless readers they need to make an effort to understand busy moms. I agree. But, I wish you’d have taken this advice one step further. We all need to make an effort to understand each other. We all need a phone call every now and then from a friend, an encouraging email, or a Starbucks delivery for no good reason. We must, MUST, work hard at building each other up regardless of our life phase. Women need other women. It requires effort, time, and follow-through. It requires picking up the phone occasionally even when you’re tired. And, it means serving each other even when life is busy.”

The reality is, life-giving friendships are hard to come by. They thrive when we are authentic, and when we show up. They thrive when both people choose to understand each other.

Yesterday I called a friend who is a new mom and asked if she’d like to meet me for a walk around the neighborhood with her new baby. I suggested 10:00am. Her availability wasn’t convenient, and I had to wake up extra early to meet her.  That’s okay though because her friendship is important, and her time is limited.

You know what she said after we circled the block and caught up? She said, “I know I don’t always do the best job reaching out to you. I forget to call you sometimes and it makes me feel bad because I love hanging out. Thank you for being persistent with me.”

Whether you’re putting in hours begging a two year old to use the potty, hours at the office, or hours in the school library—my challenge to you is this: choose to make understanding other’s life situations a priority. When you do so, you’ll love others more. And when you love others more, you’ll remember life isn’t all about you.

And that, my friends, is one of the the first things that needs to happen if we’re going to lead ourselves well.

Lesley Miller is a public relations consultant, writer and cupcake lover. She likes to run, make (and consume) good food, and spend time talking about things that matter. You can read more about her life in Sacramento by visiting www.barefooton45th.com.