A few months ago, I couldn’t sleep. And it wasn’t because I wasn’t sleepy. I was tired- real tired.

At first I thought it was because I had been reading Jon Carryrou’s book “Bad Blood,” about Theranos, the multi-billion-dollar startup founded by Elizabeth Holmes.

Then, I realized that it was because I was still thinking about a meeting I’d had earlier that day.

A decision was meeting resistance. Confusing communication, awkward timing, grouchy people. The usual.

Leaders were worried. They wanted to fix it- to do something NOW. It wasn’t acceptable to wait and see. Waiting felt passive; like sitting around, twiddling thumbs, not being “proactive” or “solution-focused”. Something needed to be done, as soon as possible.

So we’re at this meeting, trying to solve this problem. Part of me wondered if the current situation was less a “problem to be solved” than a “tension to be managed,” as Andy Stanley says, but that’s another topic. I listened to others toss out various ideas– “we could put together an e-learning and post it online;” “We could send out an FAQ, or tip sheet, to everyone;” “What about an in-person workshop;” etc. Of course, we decided to move forward on all of these suggestions, simultaneously. *face palm*

Laying in bed that night, I realized that it wasn’t that I disagreed with the options- any of those could work.  And let’s note how awesome it is to work with such responsive leaders, who listen and hold themselves responsible to employees. Truly top-shelf individuals here.

The issue for me was that I really didn’t care if we pushed something out online or offered an in-person option or dressed up in clown costumes and walked around giving people hugs and ice cream sandwiches and paper brochures with balloons and flowers.

What I care about is that sometimes I think we get so focused on finding the “silver bullet”- the one thing that we think will solve all of the problems at once- that we forget that there aren’t always silver bullets to be found for everything. Some things need more than one thing. Not everything needs a bullet. The clarity we seek is not always available; certainly not in one form that will work the same on everyone at every time in every situation.

Maybe some people would be happier with something they could go through online, at their convenience. Others may be more satisfied with the chance to get help sitting across from a real-live person. And, some people are really scared of clowns*.

We need to beware of getting so myopic and perfectionistic that we make the situation worse, not better, by our insistence on looking for the silver bullet.

So, what DOES help people in times like this?

The answer is my second-least favorite answer. (The least favorite answer is: “It depends.”)

My second-least favorite answer is: Time.

I’m not saying that time is all you need; that if we just give everything time, all will be well. Time is not the silver bullet.

Time gives space, though. Time allows people to breathe. Time puts room between this change and the next change and the next and the next.

When I talk to people who are drowning in change, and I use words like “season” or “phase” or “stage” – it’s like I can see them visibly relax. They begin to realize that where they are right now, as painful as that is, is not necessarily a permanent situation. Things may never be the way they were before, and they may feel emotionally like they are trapped in a burning building or in the middle of an American Ninja Warrior course, but they won’t always feel like that. Nothing lasts forever; this too shall pass.

Breathing slows. Posture changes. Non-verbals become more open. It’s not as black-and-white as we thought, There are options. There are alternatives. There are choices.

No silver bullets, but lots of other possibilities.

*Me.

I recently ran into a former student in a coffee shop. He was reading Stephen Covey’s classic; The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. He shared that he is thinking about what’s next and wanting to be sure and remember the fundamentals going forward. To “try and not get distracted by shiny objects.”

He has a point. Many Millenials his age can attest to the high rate of professional change they experience, often having 5 or more jobs before they reach 30. Gone are the days where people start with one company right out of college and get promotions every 4-5 years, continually making linear steps up an organizational ladder.

Not all career stalls are bad. You may hit a plateau as you wait patiently (or not so patiently) for a promotion. Maybe your organization hits a rough economic stretch, with no new raises or positions expected for a while. Or perhaps you decide to stick with something because of the perks/tradeoffs of the situation- low salary but free lunches and snacks  can mean a lot to a 20-something.

Women sometimes design plateaus into their careers for personal reasons. Getting a promotion when my oldest was 2 and I became pregnant with my youngest was definitely a full-plate season for me. Later, I was able to crank up my travel commitments along with my productivity and performance.

But most stalls aren’t normal or intentional. Some may creep up on you like a bad cold. At first, you notice not being included in meetings the way you used to be; a realization that comes on like a dull headache. Then, you begin to sense that your boss/colleagues aren’t talking to you as often. Fever. Finally, you can no longer avoid the fact that promotions and pay raises are passing you by: welcome, stomach-churning nausea.

Perhaps your story contains one or more of the three most common reasons careers stall:

You’re dying of boredom. I recently heard of a woman who passed up a six-figure job at a consulting firm to take a position with a child welfare agency because believed she’d be making a difference in the world. Instead, over time, she found herself paralyzed within an organization riddled with bureaucracy and byzantine warfare, her days spent deflecting memos and preparing reports no one would read. She could barely drag herself to work every day, and her constant refrain was: “Nothing I do makes a difference and I’ve lost all interest in trying.”

Such disengagement often leads to the second most common reason for a career stall; underperformance. Who shines on the job when she’s bored or distracted? But boredom isn’t the only reason performance suffers. Sometimes the new ways of doing things can make one feel obsolete. I’ve heard many variations on this theme: “Count me among the old dogs who cannot learn new tricks, but here I am at a certain age afraid to get excited about the new machine coming that I’m going to have to get trained on. Before it can make my job easier, I have to learn how to use it.”

Final common reason for career stalls: embedded reputation. A dynamic that ultimately blocks you from moving up in an organization because the powers that be will always see you as the lowly executive assistant they hired right out of college. Other embedded reputations can come from past errors. I once worked with a director who got stuck in a career rut because executives could not forget how she’d failed to delegate pieces of a multi-million dollar project. “Has a great heart but tries to do it all herself,” they said every time her name came up for a promotion.  Unfortunately, it’s a rare organization that dares to break someone out of its own typecasting.

What do you if you are bored, performing poorly, with an embedded reputation as a whiner? Get. Out.

Start over, as soon as you possibly can. While it is possible to pull out of a stall, it requires nothing less than absolute personal reinvention. You must take full responsibility for what has happened to your career, relieving all others of blame. And at the same time, you must push your performance to new heights, delivering outsize results with an unrelenting, upbeat attitude.

All of this is made harder by the fact that the organization will likely not support you. In fact, the passive culture will be actively working against you at the same time. Your teammates won’t want to be associated with a person whose star is falling. And few bosses have the time or energy to take on the challenge of coaching an employee out of boredom or underperformance. Even fewer have the political capital to change an employee’s embedded reputation.

So, you’re off like a prom dress. Which of course will be difficult and emotional and doubt-ridden. But, I have yet to meet someone who left under these circumstances and didn’t eventually come to wonder why she didn’t get out sooner. Here’s a quote from one escapee: “I see that time now as if I were in a velvet coffin. I was so comfortable, I didn’t realize I was dead.”

The time is now to recognize your career stall for what it truly is, and take immediate action.  Seize the opportunity to find new territory, plant your flag, and bloom again. *

Are You Leading The Life You Want?

*Adapted from article by Suzy Welch

I spoke to a large group of leaders recently about the apocryphal “Five Monkeys Experiment.” *

The way the story goes, a group of scientists placed five monkeys in a cage, and in the middle of the cage they placed a ladder with bananas on top.

Every time a monkey went up the ladder, the scientists soaked the rest of the monkeys with cold water.

The monkeys did not like getting soaked, so pretty soon, every time a monkey would start up the ladder, the others would pull it down and beat it up.

After a while, no monkey would dare try climbing the ladder, no matter how great the temptation.

The scientists then decided to replace one of the monkeys. Of course the new monkey saw the bananas right away, and the first thing this new monkey did was start to climb the ladder to get to the bananas. Immediately, the others pulled him down and beat him up.

After several beatings, the new monkey learned never to go up the ladder, even though there was no evident reason not to, aside from the beatings.

A second monkey was substituted and the same occurred. The first monkey even participated in the beating of the second monkey. A third monkey was changed and the same was repeated. The fourth monkey was changed, resulting in the same, before the fifth was finally replaced as well.

What was left was a group of five monkeys that – without ever having received a cold shower – continued to beat up any monkey who attempted to climb the ladder.

If it was possible to ask the monkeys why they beat up on all those who attempted to climb the ladder, I wonder if their likely answer would be “I don’t know. It’s just how things are done around here.”*

I then discussed how “the way things are done around here” is actually a succinct definition of the culture of an organization.

Over the years, all groups or organizations develop routines, habits and practices, which we call the “organizational culture”. As I am sure you know, these cultures can be remarkably different, in terms of what sort of behavior they value, what they don’t like to see, and what they punish. These habits and conventions have been developed over the course of many years. Very often, nobody actually remembers why they were started in the first place……quite possibly, the guy with the water hose has long gone.

And yet still, we beat up the new monkeys. The new ideas. The new questions, suggestions, processes and systems.

Edgar Schein talks about the organizational culture as the: “unconscious, taken-for-granted beliefs, perceptions, thoughts and feelings.  The ultimate source of values and action.”  This is the part that of the organization that you see on the surface but don’t know “the why” underneath.  Often, these assumptions conflict with the “artifacts” and “values” that are talked about and written on posters and at meetings.

Example: A worldwide accounting firm is exceedingly proud of their strong culture of caring for their employees.  Everything from their new employee orientation to their performance management program focuses on employee engagement, on work life balance, on wellness. They offer competitive compensation, amazing benefits, have 6% 401k match, and put their money where their mouth is with subsidizing gym memberships and childcare for employees.

Last year, an employee of two years put in a vacation request. The manager responded: “What are you talking about? You just took a vacation last year. It’s unreasonable that you should be expecting a vacation every 6 months. Request denied.”

That employee became a mentor to several other individuals, and quickly explained that what they learned in orientation about work-life balance was erroneous; they would actually be considered lazy and uncommitted if they were transparent about their time off. There would be negative consequences for taking advantage of the available vacation time.

Year after year, the unspoken rule is handed down, and the energy and excitement of hearing the values at orientation gives way to cynicism and silence.

Sometimes, organizational learning can last longer than necessary.

What’s the point? Be careful not to pour cold water on people and their ideas whenever someone tries something new. That can lead to other employees suppressing innovation, and learned helplessness spreading throughout the organization.

Don’t just beat up the new monkey – whether it is a new employee, a recent acquisition or a partner; a change, opinion, feeling or choice. There are always some parts of our culture that need to be preserved, and some parts that deserve to be questioned. The healthy organization replaces the water hose with a listening ear.

*Source: This story, a modern day fable, was inspired in part by the experiments of G.R. Stephenson, found in “Cultural acquisition of a specific learned response among rhesus monkeys“ as well as certain experiments with chimpanzees conducted by Wolfgang Kohler in the 1920s. Over the years, it was pieced together to form the urban legend as it now stands.

I feel like my posts over the last few moths have been pretty status quo, so in the spirit of spring here’s a lighter post that describes the “alphabet” of my life at this moment. Inspiration: Lindsey Mead’s post on The Alphabet Of Right Now here .

Appetite– I’ve been practicing intermittent fasting lately. Stop eating at 7:00 pm and eat again at 10:00 am. It’s been super interesting to see how it affects me- I still LOVE breakfast, I just love it a little later now.

Books – Always and forever, my first love. This week I finished reading The Goal for a new work project, and now I see constraints everywhere.

Crown– We just started binge-watching The Crown on Netflix. Super interesting and we’re learning stuff too!

Davis – My happy place. I’ve been missing it lately. Road trip may be in order soon.

Enneagram– It took me a few years, but I am now a fangirl of this hundreds-of-years old model of the human psyche. Since finding out my number in January (I’m a 6), my eyes have been opened in a new way to how my “type” — skeptical, doubting, anxious — affects every. single. choice. I. make. It’s been a journey to extend grace and healing to myself as I seek to do better with what I know now; that I am safe, that I am not without resources or guidance.

Florrick– I watched The Good Wife before we started The Crown, and after 7 seasons I felt pretty connected to the main character, Alicia Florrick (played by Julianna Margulies). We are very different; she’s an atheist lawyer with an open marriage and I’m….not at all, yet I can relate to her in some ways. She’s a driven, professional woman and mom with great taste in clothes but (sometimes) bad hair. Also, I’m Team Will all the way.

Girls Weekend – Annual trip coming up next weekend and  I  c a n n o t  w a i t.

Here If You Need Me – A GREAT memoir that I’m reading now. It’s the true story of Kate Braestrop; a chaplain in Maine, mom of four kids, and a widow. Triumphant.

Introvert – Always trying to convince people that yes, I am. Really. I really am. Really. Yes, really. Yes. Really.

Jewelry – I ordered some necklaces online last week. When one orders online, one can order 5 necklaces very quickly.

Kristin– It was my dear sweet high school friend – and fellow alto-  Krissy’s birthday so the girls went out for sangria and chips last week. Good times celebrating her and laughing like fools in public. Where did the last 27 years go?

Lacrosse– Our new family sport. Jesse is loving the game and we’re enjoying learning the (few and confusing) rules.

Moving– My mom just moved and it was rough. People seem to consistently underestimate the amount of time, energy and emotions involved in moving. Major source of stress and decision fatigue.

Nephew- Mine is the cutest 20 month old ever. He was at my house for about 9 minutes on Easter Sunday before he threw up on my table, and I still could not love him more.

One to say yes, two to say no. A business article I read recently positioned this as a decision-making model. When front-line employees make a decision, say whether to give extra blankets or juice on an airline flight- it should take one person to decide if the answer is yes. If the answer is no, then it should be agreed upon by two (or more) people, for validation. I think this could also apply to parenting.

Paint– I’d like to repaint the inside of my house. I have a hunch it will change the world.

Quiet– There’s never enough in my life. See: Introvert.

Radical Candor– Another great book I read recently. Favorite line: “It’s not mean. It’s clear.”

Shattered– The book I can’t wait to read next, about Hilary Clinton’s failed presidential campaign.

Theatre–  Sam and I are making the rounds of all the spring High School plays. It makes me joyous to see him love what I love(d), and also nostalgic for what a meaningful difference theatre made in my formative years. How fortunate I was, to have the friends and opportunities that I did.

Unfair advantage– My friend Lisa asked me last month: “What’s your unfair advantage?” I’ve thought about it every day since. Do you know what yours is?

Vacation- This is the time every year when I start wishing our vacation was in June instead of July. I always think there’s no way I can wait until July. But then I do.

Women– I heard a conference speaker say recently: “If you ask a woman to pick between work and home, and she picks work, then that’s the end of civilization. So you need to figure out a way for your company to support work-life balance.”

X-Ray – I got an X-ray of my hip last month. Good news, nothing wrong that a foam roller can’t fix. Getting old can be a literal pain.

You Tube– I watch a lot of YouTube, for work and also because teenagers. This is a good 3 minutes:

Zinc- Chris has been sick for a while now. Lots of zinc and echinacea floating around our house currently.

Are You Living The Life You Want?

Hi, my name is Michele, and I over-function. Among other things, this means that when I have to face some hard truths about myself and can’t see myself as a victim of others, I step in and judge myself –usually as harshly as possible. I condemn myself for being an unappreciative shrew, or a bitchy nag of an employee/friend/colleague.

In my work, I often hear indecisive people calling themselves “weak”, emotional individuals calling themselves “wrecks”, those who make mistakes calling themselves “idiots.”  One cannot consider and make use of constructive criticism from yourself or others if all criticisms are received as harsh pronouncements of how terrible you are.

It is impossible to lead yourself without having empathy for yourself. Empathy is different from forgiveness. Empathizing with yourself means standing in your own shoes in a tough time. It means opening the door of that room that you closed so long ago and seeing what it was that made you develop the story you did.

When we look at ourselves without judging, some of the stuff we don’t like about ourselves becomes much more understandable. Of course it was easier for me to be passive-aggressive at work than to accept responsibility and look for the next right action to take.  The practice of empathy leads to forgiveness as it allows me to see myself more clearly. And then we get to say: “Oh, now I see why I do that. Now I get where that came from.”

Once we see the source of our choices with empathy’s help,  we can separate and say; I am not that child or person any more. I’m a grown up now. I have control over my life. I don’t have to keep repeating the same patterns over and over again.

Without empathy, though, that’s almost too big of a leap to take. When we revisit our original stories, we have to remember that our issues resulted from us wanting good things, and we can’t begin to untangle those threads without showing ourselves compassion.

Also, when we are gentle with ourselves, it helps us to not get defensive when we encounter the truth.  Yes, I can be a shrew and a nag. I don’t need to waste my energy defending myself on those points. When I am able to look at my behavior without criticizing it, I won’t get sidetracked by the need to judge.

The goal is simply to understand. Not to beat ourselves up or make a list of areas to improve on or get more insight into what we need to work on or fix. Instead, we want to be able to explore our self-judgments, examine them, and expose how inconsistent they are with reality. That’s when the real change can begin.

Try this: Think of a common judgment you level against yourself.

Imagine yourself giving those messages to another person. You would probably think that you were being overly harsh and critical. Are you really so undeserving of love and recognition? Why is it okay for you to think of yourself that way?

As we practice empathy, we will find that we become aware of how and when our inner story controls your actions. Once we become aware of that story,  we will start to see its influence on every relationship we have—work, loved ones, ourselves.

When we are able to extend empathy to ourselves, we will start to make different decisions—based on who we are what we need today. We will start to get a glimpse of the freedom and authenticity that lie ahead. This is an exciting moment, and readies us for what’s next; writing a new story, and leading a new life.

Are You Leading The Life You Want?

Thank you for the feedback on my last post. It’s great to know that the suggestions for key phrases to say in a stressful moment resonated with so many of you. I’ve seen them work in so many different environments already– I can’t wait to hear how they help each of you.

This time of year can indeed be challenging. Even when there’s not direct conflict, it’s often difficult and draining to navigate the expectations of ourselves and others. What follows are 5 approaches that one can take in the face of a relationship that needs help.

Strategy #1- Give up hope

My spouse and I had a discussion just this morning about the age-old question of whether people can really, truly change.  That’s what so many of us want—for “them” to change, to cease and desist from all the things we don’t like. We don’t think we are asking them to do any more than what is reasonable—any more than we are willing to do.

But expecting that others will act the way we want sets us up to jump right into the quicksand of relational despair. Instead, try taking a few moments to sit quietly and acknowledge what you wish they were like. Then prepare to accept them as they behave exactly the way they have behaved in the past. That way, at best, you may be surprised and discover that the others may in fact behave differently. At worst, you’ll be more healthfully detached from those that previously had too much control over you.

Strategy #2 – Set secure boundaries

Given that the other people will probably go on being their same old selves, you need to decide how much contact with them you really want. Are there certain behaviors you really can’t tolerate? Are there others you can handle in group settings but not one-on-one? Think like Goldilocks; how much is too much, how much is just enough?

It’s critical that we can answer these questions before we are with these people, not during the gathering or event. You want to think through various boundary options until you come up with a situation that you are as comfortable with as possible. Do you need to plan to leave after a certain amount of time, do you need your own transportation, do you need a friend to join you or to place a strategic phone call?

The point of thinking through your boundaries is not to harm or compromise your relationships, but to strengthen them. Once you have put the time and consideration into what you want and then can take action by setting limits that help you feel emotionally safe, you’ll find that the other people seem much more tolerable.

 Strategy #3 – Lose control

A boss once used the Tour de France as a metaphor for telling me I would never be like Lance Armstrong (this was before he was exposed as a fraud). I’d never be a leader, never the one in charge, never win. It was a crushing conversation.

You may feel desperate to make someone recognize all you have accomplished. You’ll want to argue, to explain, to get right in there and force them to agree with you. Everything in you is saying that once they see what you see, they will finally embrace everything you are and offer.

Remember this: Any attempt we make to control other people actually puts us under their control. If you decide you can’t be happy until your boss finally promotes you, her decision-making process will rule your life. You could spend the next 20 years working 100-hour weeks and winning every industry award available, and she still might not. You could even do an end run around your boss and get transferred or promoted out of the department, but you’ll probably never hear that person say what you most craved hearing her say. You’ll never control her real thoughts and feelings. Same goes for former romantic partners, Facebook friends who “ghosted” you, and that friend IRL who stopped sending Christmas cards.

The only way we can avoid getting stuck in other people’s craziness is to follow codependency author Melody Beattie’s counterintuitive advice: “Unhook from their systems by refusing to try to control them.” Don’t violate your own code of values and ethics, but don’t waste energy trying to get other people to violate theirs. If you’ve become convinced of your own value, don’t let anyone else’s opposing opinion compromise that. Feel what you feel, know what you know, and set others free to do the same.

If you have been deeply wounded by other people, you can stop trying to control them by accepting full responsibility for your healing. I’m not in any way suggesting that you shoulder all the blame; I am advocating for you to accept that you and only you have the ability to respond to painful situations by seeking cures instead of making it all worse. Whatever the situation, accepting that you can control only your own thoughts and actions will help you mend more quickly and thoroughly.

Strategy #4 –  Become a Participant Observer

The social science technique called participant observation is when the observer/scientist joins groups of people in order to watch and report on whatever those groups of people do. People we might normally avoid become fascinating when we are watching them in this manner, and almost any group activity becomes interesting when you’re planning to describe it to someone later.

I had a college friend who was a gold-medalist at this. People would be losing their minds all around her, and she would narrate to herself (not out loud): “Oh, look. They seem to be really upset about this. How interesting. This is clearly very hard for them. Looks like it will take some time to process all that this decision means and how it will all play out.  I wonder what next steps they will choose to take?” For. Reals.

The emotional distance described here is much easier said than done. Still, this is an area where our feelings can follow our behavior, if we don’t give up too soon. Try putting on your anthropologist hat/vest/monocle only in your mind, and see what happens.

Strategy #5 – Debrief

Whether or not you are able to implement any of these strategies, it’s essential to be able to debrief these kinds of situations with someone you trust. Connecting with someone who has an outside perspective and is in your corner can make all the difference. Be sure that you schedule plenty of time for it and do not compromise this essential element of taking care of yourself.

This may look different for different people– when I worked at a church, I made sure to have “safe people” who weren’t a part of that organization who could provide me with valuable insight. Same goes for offices, departments, friend groups, families, work teams. Looking at your relationship through new/other lenses may even prompt one of my all-time favorite expressions; “I’ve never seen it that way before.”

May 2017 be the year you experience true growth, peace and love in your relationships and your life.

Lead The Life You Want

Conversations can be like trains travelling along tracks. They seem to be proceeding along fine and then something happens- a little shimmy, a little shake, and then no one can say exactly how or why or when but suddenly the train jumps the tracks and careens over the cliff, crashing on the rocks below with dramatic flames and twisted metal.

Especially among family, which many of us will be during the holidays, but also at work, where recent political events may have significant impacts on those we see every day for most of the day. It’s enough to cause one to second-guess making an innocent comment or asking a harmless question. Who knows how this initially superficial chat will end?

How do we avoid the “Small Talk Tango” but also keep conversations meaningful and sincere?

How do we make sure we aren’t taking stress out on those closest to us?

How do we navigate the trip wires of tension in conversations?

Below are 10 phrases that can come in handy when you find yourself in situations that could use some peace-making*:

1)    “Thank you for your opinion. I’ll think about that.”

When we receive unhelpful or unsolicited advice, we can simply smile and respond with this neutral statement. The goal is to be polite and exit the conversation; no need to be rude or defensive.

2)    “Is this a good time for you?”

Would that every conversation could start this way. It demonstrates consideration and preparedness, two elements all good conversations should have. If people say “no,” then follow up with: “What would be a better time?’

3)    “Would you like my thoughts?”

Again, starting like this is so simple and yet so powerful. If the person you are hoping to speak to answers yes, it means they are ready to listen. If they say no, then zip your lip.

4)    “Do we have all the facts?”

Some people tend to argue about anything and everything they can, including things that could be easily resolved. Making sure we know how much that program actually cost, who was at the meeting, etc. can help people move on to what’s important and get around a potential land mine.

5)    “I need your help. Can you please……?”

This is a great way to approach someone who is not pulling their weight (in your opinion). Instead of accusing or hoping they will read your mind, ask directly for what you want and be specific.

6)    “Do we have all of the information?”

Know when to table a discussion. Often, pausing in order to make sure that we have all the information – when does the contract run out, do we have the authority to make this decision, how will this impact another priority- helps avoid a premature argument.

7)    “Can you tell me more about that?”

Sometimes asking the right question is all it takes to dodge the drama. We all make assumptions about people’s intentions; asking this question in a genuinely interested (versus passive-aggressive) way, this question encourages your conversation partner to explain themselves before you jump to conclusions.

8)   “I don’t like that, can we try this instead?”

Direct communication FTW. Rather than complain (internally) or nag (externally), this phrase is solution-focused. It’s empowering for you and for your conversation partner,  as it invites both of you to own and use the power you have to make decisions.

9)   “I’m sorry”

We tend to overestimate apologies. We resist them, fearing that apologizing will invite the other person to run rampant over our independence and free will. But ask yourself how many times you have left a situation saying: “If only they had said they were sorry,” and remember that you don’t want to be that kind of person.

10)   “I’ll let you know”

We all need a standard phrase to respond with when we feel put on the spot. Keep this line with you at all times, especially in a group situation. Best to let the person know a time when they can expect a response—but only if you will indeed reply by that time.

Good luck in your conversations. Hopefully these phrases – and even more, the intentions behind them- will make a difference for you and your relationships. As the good book says, “As far as it depends on you, be at peace with all people.” May it be so.

Are You Leading The Life You Want?

* Modified from article by Laurie Puhn in Real Simple November 2008

I once had a coaching client who hated the way she acted in certain meetings. She felt like she always talked too much, got over-invested in whatever was being discussed, became strident and inflexible no matter what.

She knew she always felt irritated and upset after the meetings, but she couldn’t seem to figure out a way to change. She didn’t know how to train herself to do anything differently. She said to me: “I know this about myself. I hate this about myself. What am I supposed to do?”

First, we don’t do anything. We can’t manufacture a process. What we can try is sitting quietly and committing to making different choices the next time we find ourselves in a familiar situation. For most of us, this means that instead of turning on the TV or opening the fridge or jumping on Instagram we’re going to have to get still and think about what’s really bothering us, and try to become aware of our actions and (automatic) reactions.

Sometimes I react so swiftly to something that it doesn’t feel like I have a choice of whether or not to respond that way. Does that ever happen to you? At first, it can be very challenging to stop myself.  It’s hard to interrupt years of practice.

Being still means thinking about what’s making us anxious before we act to discharge that anxiety through automatic and unconscious behaviors. When we don’t get invited to the meeting, when our boss doesn’t give us the credit we deserve, when a colleague makes an innocent comment about our work product; all of these can call up old stories about how inadequate or forgotten we feel.

Being still means we learn to stop before reactively acting out those old stories. It means stepping out of the action to ask yourself; “What am I about to do here? Why do I want to do this?” With practice, these quick questions can help us manually override the system.

Doing this is not a guarantee that you won’t say the wrong thing at the presentation or will never offend a co-worker, but it will help reinforce that we have a choice in all our reactions.

I suggested my client start by simply noticing whenever she felt a certain way or wanted to do a certain thing in those meetings. Whenever she found herself wanting to disagree with someone or to defend herself. That’s all she had to do, look for patterns in this one area of her life. Just notice.

Awareness is one of the first steps in leading your own life. Exposing these habits to the light makes them visible, and able to be dealt with. Until we do that, they remain hidden away in our subconscious and while they are there we can’t decide to stop using them.

A word of warning here. While awareness is great, it can make us so anxious that we become willing to do ANYTHING—spend money, eat, drink, lie, run away, numb out- to not have to sit through the feelings. It’s like anxiety is the starting gun at the opening gate of our dysfunctional habits. So my first advice is to not act out on any urgent feelings. Just feel them, for starters.

For example, if I asked you to think about the biggest problem in your life today, most likely, it would be something that is shrouded with anxiety. You won’t want to think about it, and in a few minutes you will feel an uncontrollable urge to go outside and check the oil in your car/do some online shopping/call your college roommate/clean out your medicine cabinet/learn origami/watch all three Godfather movies in a row/match all your socks.

When we’re anxious, sitting without acting is one of the hardest tasks imaginable. On the inside, it literally feels like a life-or-death situation. But we can do it.

The only way to change is to interrupt the automatic nature of our lives. Be still. Notice. With awareness comes the courage to change, and to begin leading your own life.

Are You Leading The Life You Want? 

My older son is in love. First love. Nicholas Sparks novel kind of love. My younger son just started junior high, so we’ll be on this road of navigating romantic relationships for a while. I was recently reminded of an essay by Martha Beck that offers a helpful metaphor for how to identify unhealthy forms of love in relationship, and I realized it applies all forms of relationship, including family and work. Edited version below.

If you went into a garden, recruited a spider, and asked it what do you love most? The spider would answer, I love flies. This is true. Spiders destroy a tasty fly the way I destroy a cheeseburger. And how does this love cause a spider to behave? It makes a sticky web, catches flies alive, wraps them up to keep them from escaping, and keeps them there, conscious but helpless. Then, whenever the spider needs a snack, it scurries over to the fly, injects it with venom to dissolve some of its insides, and slurps out some of its life force.

This is the way many people think of “love”. They will say, in all honesty, that they love their children, their friends, their family, more than anything in the world. But their love is consumptive, not productive or giving. They need their “loved ones” to feed them emotionally, so they imprison people, trap them in webs of obligation or guilt, paralyze them to keep them from going away. They love other people the way spiders love flies.

Before we try to lead ourselves in (or out of) a relationship where conflict is occurring, we need to remember this; the goal of real love is always to set the beloved free. If someone else’s “love” requires that you abandon your own soul, it’s a spider love. if you find yourself trying to control a loved one, sorry but you’re a spider. That’s not really love at all but a form of fear and a perceived need to control.

There are two red flags that will usually start to wave when real love disappears and spider behavior begins. The first is the deception, by which I mean saying or doing anything at all that is not honest for you. The second is the word make. When you do something even slightly dishonest because you’re trying to make someone do or feel something, love is no longer running the show. This is just as true when you’re trying to make people feel good and loved as it is when you’re trying to make them follow your orders. People-pleasing and guilt-inducing are control strategies too, just less direct ones.

If you’re on the giving end of spider love, you’ll feel grasping, needy, angry, wounded, or all of the above. If you’re on the receiving end, you’ll feel a desperate desire to escape, often muted by your own rationalizations. You might think stuff like “Mom’s just trying to make me happy, that’s why she offered me a house if I take this job/get plastic surgery/leave this girlfriend.”  Or: “Coach only screams at me because he’s trying to make me achieve my potential.” Or: “My colleague just wants to make sure I get home safe, thats why he texts me every night after work for hours.”

If you find yourself repeatedly convincing yourself someone loves you, check yourself for spider blood. If your body tenses and your mood darkens when you think of the person who’s trying to “make you happy,” listen to it. If you feel wretched and panicky when you feel the need to control someone else, realize you may be a spider yourself.

Either way, walk away. Detach. Unhook. Whatever your role in the drama, drop it and begin focusing on real love, the kind that always frees the one who is loved. You can think of it as self-leading love because when you are leading your own life, you will naturally want to empower others to lead theirs. That’s a love worth leading for.

Are You Leading The Life You Want? 

Much of my work involves helping people and organizations (which is really just a group of people) through times of change and transition. When you think about how ceaseless and inescapable change is, it’s helpful to see how almost anything in life can serve as a metaphor or grid with which to understand how we experience change.

For example, I recently read the book “Being Mortal,” by Atul Gawande. Gawande talks in the book about how to help people who are struggling to accept and manage their grief about aging— how they fight against the passage of time and struggle to control whatever they possibly can.

Some of his comments about grief resonated so strongly with me regarding people in any kind of transition. I don’t think, in general, that our (American, Western) culture is very good at grieving, and I wonder if Christians are the worst at it of all. There was much to consider in his gentle suggestions to pause, to take time and not race through decisions about later in life, but to reflect on what the passage of time means to a person.

There are probably many theories about why we avoid and rush through considerations about the ends of our days. Perhaps it’s something related to our preference for focusing on the glass half-full, making forward progress, Puritanical bootstrapping, commitment to happy endings, raging denial……..the list goes on. Still, I’ve been compelled by how universal the struggle with grief and change is, and how overriding the desire to push through the pain at highest possible speed.

Gawande talks about asking five questions of the people who are struggling with accepting the loss of their health:

1) What do you understand your prognosis to be?

2) What are your goals/hopes/most important commitments, going forward?

3) What kinds of trade-offs are you willing to make– how much are you willing to go through to have a shot at being alive, and what level of being alive is tolerable to you?

4) How do you want to spend your time if your health worsens?

5) Who do you want to make decisions if you can’t?

It occurs to me that, with a little editing, these are great questions to ask people undergoing any kind of change and transition.

The answers to these questions– and ultimately any conversation about the future and how it is perceived– can help identify and clarify what the individual in question is really wrestling with; the source of their emotional pain or angst about the change or process. From there, we can move forward with powerful choices, fueled by compassion and courage.

Are You Leading The Life You Want?