Part Two
I once read something that said: “Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past.” I really liked that, because it made me think of forgiving someone as part of putting the past behind me and moving on. One of my fears about forgiveness is that it invites the other person to keep doing what they did to me over and over again indefinitely into the future for as long as they want, and me just continually taking it like Teflon. Ideas like the one in this sentence remind me that I can forgive someone without necessarily agreeing to anything yet to come.
Author Margaret Feinberg says: “The times in life when I get the most hurt in relationships, the moments when I am most tempted to pull back, are when my expectations are out of line. When I expect someone to respond in one way and they choose another, I get disappointed or hurt.” Then she gives this advice:
Drop your expectations.
Remember that people cannot give you what they do not have.
In a nutshell, that’s what happened with my friend and I. I realized that she could not give me what she did not have to give. I still grieve that she didn’t have it; I wished she had it like I wish for my children to have character or my husband to have success. (He already has character.)
And believe me, I still endeavored to get from her what she couldn’t give in all kinds of different ways, all the way up until the end. Coercion, dishonesty, pity, indirect communication—I tried it all.
Sometimes these kinds of “friends” in our lives go by another name: Gaslighters.
The term comes from the 1944 movie Gaslight, where the evil husband tricks and manipulates his wife into thinking she is insane. From the film’s title, “gaslighting” acquired the meaning of ruthlessly and deviously manipulating an individual into believing something other than the truth for one’s own purposes.
Despite the euphoric emotions I often felt when I was with my friend, she is also one of the most manipulative people I have ever met. She is a gaslighter.
Our relationship worked because on some level, I had decided that I needed to tolerate anything, and that I had the power to fix anything. I made up a vision of myself as able to transform any situation, if only I did things right. All the times she made me doubt myself, wonder if I was crazy, even feel safe to an extreme degree–were all part of my quest to prove to myself that I was better than the circumstances. In reality, I was being compromised in ways and with consequences that I am still discovering to this day.
To anyone with gaslighters in your life, even now: you have an opportunity to show yourself a great deal of compassion and accept that there’s no shame in having made a mistake, or even several mistakes. The sooner you can find someplace else to sling that self-blame, the more likely you are to find your way out of the darkness of confusion and fear and into the light of grace and truth. If you need help, ask for it. Grace be to you.
*Next week we’re back to pimping the workshop. No more detours down Nostalgia Lane. Keep those mixes coming!
unfortunately, i allowed the gas lighter to ruin part of my 2009. thanks to you, i’m having an incredible 2010.
AMEN! To both you and Emily. Mine was more like 2005 . . . and 2006 . . . anyways, without you it is a strong possibility that my gas lighter situation would still be going on. So, you know, thanks for that. And way to go being vulnerable ON YOUR BLOG.
Love the definition of forgiveness. It resonates with my own unresolved hurts.
Got here via Dane’s twitter follow recommendation.
Oh, so very true about expectations — our own and others’. Thanks for sharing this!
good post friend.
ah, yes. the gaslighter. this is what we spent an hour of counseling talking about last night. (too long of a story for a blog comment) all i know is that it feels so good not to be stuck still in that cycle of thinking i am crazy and guilty and crappy anymore!