An old friend of mine used to say that whenever you say that you are “over” something, it means you aren’t. The very fact that you feel you have to declare something that really isn’t at all significant to anyone else but you must mean that you feel defensive, and if you feel defensive then you must have something to feel defensive about. Ergo, you are actually most likely at least waist-deep in the muck and mire of exactly what you are so fiercely protesting that you have absolutely nothing to do with anymore.

I’ve been realizing lately that some stuff I thought I was “over” is actually still very much with me. It is clearly not, in fact, under me, as Ross and Rachel so cleverly pointed out back in the 90’s.

“You’re …….. over me?

When were you…….under me?”

No, it’s still there, like a beach ball shoved underwater only to keep cheerfully surfacing again and again. Only, this is not a bright, happy, striped ball. It’s weathered and worn, and has more than a few holes in it. The air is escaping. Its days are most definitely numbered. But I may have counted the ball out a bit early, and now I’m embarrassed that others have been able to see what I haven’t—or wouldn’t—for so long.

I’m just not at all as cool/advanced/together as I thought I was.

Dammit.

Before you say: “Is this going to be like the Gaslighter posts where you never got specific?”

Here it is: I sometimes get defensive. I have been known to shut down in the middle of very important conversations with people I love. At times, I talk over people. I don’t always take correction well. I can tend to invest much too personally in things that have barely anything to do with me. I sometimes overcompensate for my insecurity by blustering around being bossy. When I am not the boss. I can be loud and rude and disrespectful and self-absorbed.

Freaking blind spots.

They really can cause crashes; crashes of self-assurance, of faith, of certainty in what I know and can do well. I find myself thinking, “Man, if I was wrong about this, what else could I be wrong about? What else do I not know but everyone else sees? And, how the monkey have I lived, been a professional, a friend, a coach, for this long, and still not seen this? For example, how did I not know that when this happens, I close up emotionally, and that doing exactly that is fantastically and diabolically counter-productive?”

It’s difficult not to let the discouragement slip in like the fog and cover all the light and brightness. It’s more humiliating than humbling to think of statements I’ve made with authority and confidence about how far I’ve come, only to find myself back where I was. It’s unsettling and a bit scary to see that what others see so clearly in me, I am still barely catching a glimpse of.

So, what to do now?

What I want to do is stay vigilant. Be ruthless with my rationalizations. Cling to the friends that tenderly expose my blind spots, however terrifying it may be.

I want to suck all I can out of this harrowing experience, so that I can earn and deserve the peace that I know is waiting on the other side.

I want to lean into the discomfort that makes my hands compulsively ball into fists and my eyes glance up at the exits.

I want to submit to the larger work that is going on within me, of which my most valiant effort is a pale imitation.

And, I want to tell you about it, so that you can know that I am right here with you, in the waist-deep muck and mire. Known and not alone like never before, man.

I want to be in the light.

Jack’s Mannequin has a song called “Resolution” that describes a lot of what I’m feeling these days.

Here’s a bit:

There’s a lot that I don’t know

There’s a lot that I’m still learning

But I think I’m letting go

To find my body is still burning

And you hold me down

And you got me living in the past

Come on and pick me up

Somebody clear the wreckage from the blast

I’m alive

And I don’t need a witness

To know that I survived

And I don’t need forgiveness

I just need light

I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution

I need light, I need light.

I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution

Give me light in the dark as I search for the resolution

May we all find the light we need to see our resolution.

And may we be light to each other as we search in the dark.