Today’s guest post is from my friend Erica. She is a survivor, in more ways than I can count or name. Because of this, she is strong at the broken places. Thanks for sharing, E.
I think most of us have been through times of extreme grief or brokenness. And if you’ve been there you know that at some point, you hit a place where you have to make a decision. You see the black bottom of the pit and aren’t sure if you’ll ever find your way out of the haze. You call in “sick” to work, you lose your appetite but tell people you’re cooking the best food… you say you’re busy with friends and work and life, but the honest truth is that you’re still laying in bed – unable to pull yourself out because the weight of the world is within you, upon you, all over you. Instead of experiencing the day to day of life and love, you have decided to waste away.
That was me.
After Nikki died I spent day after day in bed. Checked out from the world.
Nikki was my roommate in the dorms freshman year of college. I remember the first time I met her. Our parents were dropping us off in that musty dorm room. When they were in the room we said: “Hey…” and smiled at each other. As soon as our parents left we started talking and giggling and sharing stories and pictures of friends, family and boys – it was as if we were long lost sisters. After freshman year we moved into houses off campus with other friends but still met once a week for our 7am coffee date and the sharing of stories… and of course some giggling. Those were times of innocence, sweetness and joy. Little did I know that my time with Nik was ticking away.
One Saturday morning in April of my sophomore year of college, I got the call. The call that changed everything. It was Nikki’s new roommate, “Erica, are you there? Erica – Nikki died in a car accident yesterday afternoon. She’s dead. She’s gone.” I dropped the phone. No way. I just had coffee with her Thursday… it was only Saturday. How could she have died? What?
I spent countless days under the covers. I checked out on life. I was done. Done with school. Done with eating. Done with hope. But on day five I heard my front door creak open. My friend Katie crawled into bed with me. She didn’t say a thing, just laid there with me.
That was the most beautiful illustration of empathy I have ever experienced.
Katie came alongside me in my brokenness.
Without saying a word, she told me it was okay and I wasn’t alone.
After a few hours I found the strength to get myself out of bed and show up for life that day. I chose to get dressed and take a shower that day. I chose to eat and go outside, and be present with my friend that day. I chose to lead myself into a healthier place despite the grief and the sadness and the loss. The seams that were torn apart in my life had begun to heal and become stronger.
“The world breaks everyone and afterwards some are strong at the broken places… “ -Hemmingway
Self-leadership is what moves us from the broken places to find places of strength, hope and healing.
Self-leadership says “I will not settle, but instead I will go looking for hope.”
To remember our scars and use them to lead and hold others up in their brokenness in a beautiful thing.
Brokenness is universal. We may not have felt it yet. But each one of us will experience a form of it. Whether it comes in the form of a sudden car accident, a phone call that changes everything, a decision that goes against everything you were hoping for… it’s the way the truth pushes through all else to show us the starkness of who we are.
There’s a process that happens when darkness consumes us – a choice in front of our face. We can choose life or death, thrive or miss out, live fully or numbly, wake or sleep through your days. Do something or watch the world pass you by.
The connection between self-leadership and hope compels us to choose life. We choose to wake and move ourselves from sleep to action and love – because there’s too much at stake to stand still, too much on the line to be stagnant. My friend Katie demonstrated that strength, that hope, and that love, and infused it into my process of healing.
Sometimes self-leadership isn’t as much about leading yourself as it is about getting out of your own way and accepting the help that comes when you need it.
Sometimes we need to lead ourselves into a community of friends and supporters who can carry us when we can’t stand alone. Sometimes self-leadership is more about accepting what we need from others than it is about meeting our own needs- because we’re only as strong as our community and the tools we have to overcome our brokenness.
Maybe you need to lead yourself to someone else’s arms today. What are you waiting for?
Erica Garcia spends a lot of time using terms like “lead generation” and “campaign management” while directing the Marketing department at MokaFive, a desktop virtualization company located in Redwood City, CA. In her free time, Erica enjoys running in the pouring rain and watching crazy reality T.V. shows. She dislikes cauliflower, spiders and mean people. You can read about her obsession with her niece at http://ericamichellegarcia.blogspot.com/
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