My friend Steve Saccone writes our guest post this week. Steve is kind-of-a-big-deal but you’d never know it when meeting him. If you look up “relational” in the dictionary, Steve’s picture is there. He’s a great friend and a gifted communicator, and we’re honored to have him here on TMP talking about how self-leadership applies to relationships. Rock on, Snow-cone!
When it comes to the impact we long to have as human beings, we must be intelligent in how we approach our relationships.
To build and develop true relational influence, we have to learn how to be INVITED into someone’s relational space versus what we sometimes do, which is INVADE someone’s relational space. This demands intentional self-leadership.
To lead ourselves well, we must understand the idea of “relational space.” By this I mean that invisible dynamic where people either open themselves to someone else’s input…or resist it. For instance, if someone refuses to allow us into his or her “relational space,” that means they resist our advice, input, or coaching. We often don’t pay close enough attention to this interpersonal dynamic, and in the process, we break trust, lose credibility, and diminish our capacity to influence.
Think about this dynamic in a different way. Imagine hiring a personal trainer at a local gym to help you get in shape. By hiring him, you give him permission to coach you, offer his advice, and even push you to exercise with greater effort and focus. You are inviting him into your “space.”
On the contrary, imagine seeing a friend at the mall. After saying hello, he begins assessing your physical health with verbal and analytical detail about how you need to get in shape. He tells you how much you need to exercise, and then commands you boldly to, “Get down and give me 50 (pushups).” I don’t know about you, but I’d be wondering where the hidden camera was.
When put in these terms, we all agree it would feel quite bizarre and awkward for us. But when we enter the world of relationships, we often ignore this very same principle. In other words, we may offer advice, input, or unsolicited coaching to people who haven’t yet invited us into their relational space. To them, our approach may feel bizarre or awkward because we’re trying to impose on them something they’ve never asked for us to offer them.
Maybe this happens with a person you’re trying to mentor, whom you think would benefit from your advice, but in actuality, you haven’t established a mentoring relationship, or trust. Or maybe it happens with someone you supervise at work or a volunteer on your team. You may assume they want your help, but just because you live in close relational proximity to them, or just because you have a position of authority over them, that doesn’t automatically mean you’ve established trust, credibility, nor a voice of influence in their life. This still has to be earned.
Even if our motives are sincere in wanting to make a positive impact on someone, when we force our way into a person’s relational space, they usually sense our invasion…and will almost always resist. More often than not, they resist because they feel we’re barging in without knocking, or because they feel something is being unwontedly forced upon them. They haven’t opened the door and welcomed our input, advice, or coaching.
By refusing to invade people’s relational space, and instead, waiting (and working) to be invited in, we become more relationally intelligent (for more info and a free RQ assessment, go to www.relationalintelligence.org), resulting in greater influence.
All of this doesn’t mean there aren’t moments when we ought to push through resistance and challenge people to grow and change—there are certainly times for that. And, I’m certainly not advocating for relational passivity here. It’s just that in many relational circles, we rarely seek to honor this invitational dynamic, and we continually fail to wait for permission to push rather than forcing our agenda upon someone. We see this in leadership, in conversations, in friendships, and even in marriages.
So how do we lead ourselves well and not commit the sin of “relational invasion?”
First, we must pay closer attention to people’s body language. If we begin to offer advice or wisdom to someone and their body language reveals discomfort (i.e. they won’t make eye contact, they get squirmy and anxious, or you can tell they just became emotionally aloof), it’s a clue to us that they don’t desire our advice…at least in that moment.
A second way to lead ourselves in becoming more relationally intelligent is to remember don’t assume trust. Trust must be built and earned. And to the measure there is trust in a relationship, that will parallel someone’s willingness to invite us into their relational space.
And finally, we must know our tendencies. The truth is that some of us offer our advice freely, confidently, and no matter what the situation because we think it’s the right thing to do. Others of us tend not to ever offer advice or input to others, which isn’t the best approach either. We must know what our tendencies are and become increasingly aware of them. Then, we must adapt to the situation, the person, and the trust levels that exist. To the measure we learn to do this, will have direct affect to the measure of relational influence we gain with others.
Steve is the author of the book Relational Intelligence, and a soon-to-be released book about unconventional approaches to leadership development called Protege. He works as a Field Advisor for The Gallup Organization and leadership consultant for multiple organizations. He’s also married to Cheri, and has two boys, Hudson and Holden. www.stevesaccone.com
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